Hello and sorry for keeping everyone on hold. There have been some very significant changes occurring all around and within and I want to share them all with you.
The Vipassana retreat was mind-blowing to say the least. It was definitely one of the most challenging and powerful things I have ever done in my life. I had only read a bit about it before entering the retreat so really had no idea what to expect. I knew it was ten days of silence and that sounded really great to me after two and a half months out in the streets of India where you are constantly on your toes in an unpredictable reality. Ten days of silence sounded really peaceful.
Peace comes from within.
On our first night we found rooms and roommates and were fed our first of many simple Indian buffet-style meals in the small segregated cafeteria room. There were two long tables with chairs on either side in the center of the room. Chairs were also set around the edges of the room facing the walls, some looking out onto a grove of mango trees. That night we were all talking and getting to know each other. After we ate we all gathered in the main meeting room to get a briefing on the next ten days. This is when the silence began. Around nine we were told to return to our rooms and at 4am the bell woke us for our first day of meditation beginning at 4:30am. Several sessions of sitting were narrated by S. N. Goenka, the world's leading authority on the true form of the Buddha's teachings, called Vipassana.
The first day we were introduced to the pre-Vipassana style of meditation called Anapana, a focus on the breath at the nostrils. This creates a very pleasant tingling in the area where the breath goes in and out and trains the mind to focus for the deeper forms that we will be introduced to later. Gradually, day by day, the practice deepens. We are guided by Goenka during mediation periods by listening to taped recordings of a past retreat where he himself was teaching. Our teacher is called an "assistant teacher" and is simply in charge of playing the tapes at appropriate times and then every other day or so we go one by one up to the front and sit with him to ask questions and have our progress reviewed by meditating together.
He was amazingly angelic and each time I approach him and sit at his feet he says, "hello my child, please come and sit." This helps me feel comfortable, along with his sweet tender voice. He asks how I am doing and if I am feeling the different levels of progression. He then seems to know exactly what I "need" to hear, usually not what I want to hear though. I notice a sharp pain on the third or fourth day shooting through my shoulder and into my neck and see that other students are now using chairs. So, my next visit to him I ask if I may sit in a chair and see if it helps the pain. He tells me I am young and strong and that chairs are for the sick and old. He tells me to sit with "determination". I go back to my seat and tough it out for the next hour or so. Afterwards, he motions me back to him. I'm not sure if I was grimacing or what but he tells me that it is OK if I sit against the wall for the next session to see if it helps. I tell him I am forty-five and not so young. He laughs and says I am looking young though. The next time I sit with him his greeting has changed to, "hello my young child, come and sit." We both chuckle. He has a beautiful smile and a truly angelic presence. He is dressed in all white and seems to magically appear and disappear through a doorway up and away from all of the students.
The next several days I am faced with every fear , desire, pain and insecurity I have allowed to manifest in my body. The mind reacts and then we are told to witness the sensation and sit completely still for one hour increments. What a test. I watch as the severity of sensation increases and decreases, fluctuating from mild tingling to throbbing intense agony. We are told that the pain represents emotions, thoughts, etc. that are held in our bodies and cause imbalance and impurity. So to witness and remember that everything is impermanent, even this agonizing pain, is the main idea of Vipassana. All situations in life - whether pleasant or unpleasant - will pass, don't cling to them.
As I witness my pain and direct my attention along a path of awareness I have created in the past few days within my body, I do notice some relief. I sit still finally for one whole period about the eighth day and find a truly calming result. I do feel like I am releasing long-hidden trauma deep from within. I watch as the pain ascends from cell tissue onto the surface of my body in different places each day. And, as every day is different, every moment becomes a new journey as it exposes strength and weakness, focus and distraction. I am faced with the I am that I am.
In the end many people see that the mind has played tricks on them throughout the past nine days. We are allowed to speak on the tenth day to share stories and re-acquaint ourselves with each other and the speaking world - now on a deeper level. I feel like I know the others well, even though we haven't spoken since the beginning. We were told not to make eye contact, to touch anyone or even use gestures to communicate throughout the retreat. So everyone has stories about how they almost screamed when they saw the huge spider dangling beside their bed. Or how they thought the lady in charge hated them because she was always catching them doing things that were unknowingly prohibited. It was fun to finally see how some people actually spoke and moved in the real world after 10 days of moving around each other in a silent bliss. The grounds were very secluded and we could only walk in small areas so I found myself circling and weaving in and out of the same people, who also needed to move after meals for digestion and sanity like myself, and I got to know their routines as I created my own; wake up, drink water, stretch, bell, meditate, bell, lie down for 20 minutes, bell, meditate, bell, use restroom, eat, walk, lie down, bell, drink water, meditate, etc. You get the idea.
It was a very surreal experience that I will never forget. I made some great friends. My roommate was actually an American woman from upstate New York who now lives in Dehradun at a place called Vipassana House (
www.himalayanhealingcenter.org). This mansion was originally a family home. But the man who owns it, a former attorney in America, made it into a retreat center for those looking for healing or just a rest. You truly feel like family here and the house itself is over 100 years old, filled with amazing energy and beautiful marble floors with spacious rooms and breathtaking views. Many of us from the Vipassana retreat stay here the first night after being released and celebrate by singing and playing musical instruments. We share stories about our incredible journey and help each other process the information that is so blatantly revealed during the meditation. We become a family that evening and know that we will all meet again, some day, some where, some lifetime!
It is incredible to be amongst so many wonderful people from so many far away places with such different lifestyles and realities. And yet to feel so close and supported by fellow spiritual beings in such an amazing place like India. What a blessing. Thank you all for being there for me.
Love & Light,
Lynne
